It takes a lot for me to get to a point where I am absolutely fuming with anger. I can let a lot of things slide now that I’m in my mid-thirties but I am also not a pushover and never have been. I defend myself when I feel I should and I never, ever, argue unless I know I am 100% right. It’s the same with my mum. We're both not too quick to anger in general but my oh my, when our fuse blows, watch out!!
I don't yell, I don't shout but I do cut deep with my blade of a tongue.
Compare that to my husband or stepdad who both have this wonderful attitude of “what’s the point in getting angry?”…. wait...I have a choice? Certainly, it doesn’t feel like it to me. I surely don’t feel like I can choose when I can and can’t get angry, or so it seems.
Take yesterday, for instance, there I was on twitter, making some tweets regarding healthcare in America, possibly a little controversial, but nothing outrageous. All of a sudden, a man whom I knew over a decade ago but whom I haven’t spoken to in as many years, chimes in with a very rude, snarky and downright judgmental comment. Immediately I felt my blood pressure rise “How dare he!” I thought.
Even thinking about it now is making my heart flutter with anger, what a crazy emotion this is that it can have a physical effect on my body.
I know that it’s unhealthy to linger on these feelings but how do I get them to go away? I spent a shockingly wasteful amount of time acting just as rude back to this man, even going so far as to explain why I was so angry at him - which I didn't owe him since his initial Tweet was reason enough. I wanted him to know exactly why I was being so rude back to him, I felt I had to justify my anger which in itself feels frustrating. I felt he didn't deserve the calm, rise-above-it responses I should have given him.
The crux of my anger was three-fold. 1) he had made a completely incorrect judgement about me 2) he had formed an opinion based on that judgement 3) he was coming from a place of privilege and hadn’t taken even a second to put himself in my shoes. Plus he was an older, white man messing with me on my period and that folks, creates a perfect hurricane of emotion for me.
So now I’m here, after writing him a DM essay on why he doesn't get to act that way with me, after WAKING UP ANGRY at 5 am, literally thinking about this stupid, idiotic exchange I’m having with this man I haven't spoken to in a decade and whom I didn't really know when I did know him! How has it invaded my day like this already? How am I waking up angry about it? Why?! Grrrr.
To get a better grasp on the kind of person I am you have to know I hold a grudge like it’s a lifeline, it’s not the prettiest part of me but wrong me once and don’t apologise? You’re gone from my inner circle of trust. It doesn't take much to apologise when you are wrong and I am deeply resentful when people don't do it with me. Sorry, not sorry. Kind of sorry. Actually, I feel really bad about that grudge. I don’t like holding it, I don’t want to hold it but I also don’t want to be a doormat.
So what do we do when things get to this point? I know for a fact I'm going to be thinking about this exchange multiple times today. I'm probably going to check Twitter "just in case of any replies" and I'm going to try and stop myself from doing that. I know I can't stop the invasive thoughts of what he said and what I said back and what I wish I had said. Esprit de l'escalier anyone? But I can stop myself from engaging further which means giving up the last word, taking a deep breath and telling myself "it does not matter!".
I am currently listening to Calming Music For Relaxation on Spotify and I'm not gonna lie... I do genuinely feel calmer. I also believe writing things down helps everyone. So writing this little blog has also helped me to vent. Perhaps writing it down could help you too?
I used to keep journals of my day and I felt so much calmer in my youth, when did we stop doing that in general? I feel like so many of my friends kept journals and it probably saved our emotional little souls from a lot of damaging unprocessed thoughts. I stopped writing in my blog and writing in my journal when I was about 25. It felt silly to me, who would care about what I had to say and my personal business? But truly, with the advent of social media and publicly sharing in sometimes callous and flippant ways, I feel we've lost touch with our ability to process our emotions in a healthy way. We are now simply splurging our emotions onto Twitter of Facebook with the expectation of likes, comments and reactions.
So my lesson learned is: Stop going on social media to vent and do not engage with the snarks!
So from now on, I am going to keep this little blog going. It will be sometimes about jewellery and sometimes about life and probably a lot of times both. The two go hand in hand because my life is running a jewellery business and the ups and downs that go with it.
Today I get to play with my new toy and for that, I am grateful and excited! It's called a GRS Benchmate and it is a little jig that can be switched out for many other tools. I purchased the stone setter's kit which means I'm going to be able to attempt a lot more adventurous stone setting techniques. I can't wait! This is a tool I've been waiting to purchase for a long time and I felt I deserved a brand new tool.
And here's' my I'm-not-angry-at-all-you-are face today
Ok I'm off to enjoy this beautiful sunshine we are having today.